| i'm SORRY ! |
[Jul. 30th, 2010|12:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Sorry | ] |
dear friends/strangers/enemies/anyone,
i heard each of your advices,
i really do.
i'm just not sure which way should i choose.
i've been complaining how he always 'don't know' here and there,
but actually do i myself know what i want?
for a minute i think i know i wanted to try again,
yet another,
i wonder if things will work out and if he is actually the one ?
i've been thinking of the negative answer (breakup) is the best choice,
(and i even told him that)
yet i'm confused myself,
like he probably is.
i'm in a struggle too.
i know i've been weeping and calling your up for talks,
your might have been hearing my story like an old grandma nagging,
and your repeating your advice on repeat mode.
I apologize and i know i had to make a decision myself now.
Your advice is your advice.
And this relationship is mine.
My future.
And it involve ME not you people.
I'm very very grateful to everyone for being there for me,
even you don't really advice me,
but just read my journal.
And i know your really don't mean to get so work-up with me,
nasty with me,
and frank with me.
You, very nice people,
just want me wake up from my dreams and madness and look at the fact.
For once (in a very long while) today, just,
i look myself in the mirror and think 'hey, this girl in the mirror don't look that bad actually'
*cough cough*
(apart from the over pimple face)
although i love/hope the feeling of all innocent and being taken care of,
perhaps sometimes, over doing is irritating,
and i should just start loving and taking care of myself.
Being independent !
haven't i been always saying since last year, haha !
So the first step to loving people/people loving you is to love yourself.
I love u shirleytan :p
i know i'm like typing random stuff here n there,
cause im using my hp,
and it's abit troublesome to scroll and sentence it properly.
So i'm like typing what ever it came to my mind.
I've been feeling slightly lighter since my last post (you read it if you are my lj friend),
i'm able to smile and joke with my colleagues and friends.
I learn to appreciate my friends more.
Sad to say that that drama post is not true,
and it really only happen on tv and fairytales.
He didn't lie to me :(
but for not much reason,
i feel much peacefulness .
I even talk to him calmly for once on our issues.
No i don't have an answer or solution yet.
But i know i need to find.
I know i still need to change my bad habits (else it wouldn't be call bad),
no matter what's the decision.
It benefit me in the long run.
I also learn and been told not to be so straight forward and frank at times,
to say the right things at the right time at the right occasion.
This is hard cause i don't know what's really right and wrong.
But yeah LEARN and CHANGE.
I think i'm mentally insane sometimes.
I abuse myself cause i think it's fun, the pain.
And i thought the pain on where i hit/bite myself at, will supersede the pain in my heart,
but tested and proved it's not,
drinking beer doesn't make u cry and drunk either,
i'm not sure abt hard liqueur ?
Anyway i think i need grow up from my childish world.
I am 24 for fucking sake -_-
super old bird..
I didn't message him today as promise,
not too bad probably cause i'm busy today.
Although i had mad craving to tell him i'm having stomachache from mad coughing,
but i didn't
good job shirleytan :) 1*
i duno if i should meet him on sat for bnj,
or i should wait for a decision first..
We'll see how it goes.
It's almost 12mn and time for bed.
If your finish reading this post, thankyouverymuch,
or if you skip the top and waiting for this conclusion,
SORRY and really SORRY for the trouble given.
Good night and God bless.
Time to grow .. Gambatei momo-san !! |
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| ignore the devil ! |
[Jul. 12th, 2010|11:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
i really like this quote,
it motivates me (a little).
further to my previous post,
i'm not saying im holy and sin-less and all,
cause i admit im not.
but seeing someone else is total DISGUST !
i'm not sure how am i able to see X and Y in the eye again.
casue i can't (at the moment).
i just gave a shrug when X talk to me from then on ~_~
just closing my eye or being alone,
reminds me of it.
i'm shock, appall, flabbergasted, speechless ..
i can't tell Z and AA cause the result will be horrible,
yet (i don't know what to do/say)..
sigh !
i think i need counselling ..
why my life is full of such wierd stuffs ? |
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| dear God |
[Jul. 11th, 2010|01:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sucidal | ] |
i've been procrastinating for the longest time ..
today i decided to seek help from God.
I hope i can find peace in it ..
life sucks recently,
i feel so heavy-hearted and on the verge of breaking down (actually i already broke down)
added on to it,
a 'welcome gift' when im back home from work today.
totall DISGUSTED x MAX !!!!
perhaps is normal ,
but i don't want to know at all pls ..
my relationship is at it's brim too,
one more touch perhaps the glasses r going to shattle .
serve me right for being too straight-forward ..
everything ,
i cant take it anymore ..
God, pls can u bring me away i feel terrible .. |
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| when i'm sober, i read my past post and can't help but laugh at myself =D |
[Jun. 20th, 2010|02:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  unsecure | ] |
today,
a few minutes before the clinic close for the day,
an auntie came into the clinic with a pack tube and register for her husband in advance,
and left back home to fetch her husband.
i thought it was just a normal urine tube (as per what my colleague told me)
probably around 10 mins later,
she came back wheeling her husband in a stretcher
i was shocked to see the state of the patient.
stroke i think,
i didn't go and see the card.
but he seems very scary (to me) :S
i'm not the one who like to visit the hospital kind,
who will like it visiting someone,
or even staying inside,
*touchwood*
but you got the gist.
i dislike the atmosphere and the feel it presented.
very solemn and uneasy and scary.
anyhow,
after that,
i sat down and think about it.
if i am that auntie,
will i be as brave and strong as her?
even if it was my dear one? my family?
i feel so guilty.
when K, or my family, or anyone was sick and vomiting,
no matter what,
i feel yikes and scared to go to them thought i care.
(i hate vomit like $!%@%@!#@@^@!disgustingpileofshyt%!@#!#%$^@#!$)
i always hide and run as far as i can (kua zhang!)
if someone eat something and left the dirty bones and etc behind,
if a baby drools,
if a kid puke out some food and the parents eat it up,
i'll feel disgusted and make a face.
no i'm not a clean freak or anything,
but i can't help it.
will you be as strong and optimistic as her?
i learn that i'm so not ready for commitment,
(not that someone is asking lah)
but marriage is more than just it look.
how many percent of the people commit to vows the they made during marriage?
"..... till death do us apart"
bullshyt i said.
perhaps i'm a very insecure lady.
i think too much.
i emo too much.
i'm too pampered (am i?)
i just want someone who will be there when i need him,
when i need a hug, a kiss, a love, a care ..
i think i need a love robot !
growing up freak me out. |
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| pretty girls doesn't wear jeans/flats, do they ? |
[Jun. 19th, 2010|12:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
i ran out of ideas what to wear for tomorrow ,
i ransack my wardrobe,
try on my clothes,
went shopping even (!!)
surf the web for ideas,
but 99% of the picture/posts are filled with tons and tons of women in shorts and dresses and (killer) heels !
gah !
is there any normal human left anymore?
i'm so tired ..
i still don't know what to wear ..
i think i'll grab anything in the end,
and sulks for the rest of the day for being so ugly and out of place >.<
i've a love and hate relationship of being a female.
*yawns*
night world. |
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